Letting go

Coming through one of the strangest and most emotionally charged periods of my life has been both horrifying and strangely fascinating. All of these emotions and feelings and anxieties have surfaced because for quite some time now I have refused to let go of something which although one of the most important things in my life, I had no purpose in holding on to and more to the point due to my own past actions and behaviours I am directly and totally responsible for. Today I have finally called time on this episode of my life with the realisation I have to let go and regain control over my own life. That letting go begins here and now.

I have made some horrendous mistakes in my life, I’m sure we all have but my mistakes I am coming finally coming to terms with. I understand now that though these mistakes have hurt others they have hurt me more than anyone else. My self esteem for so many years has been non – existent. I have locked my real self away and without often realising it I have fallen into a world where I felt a desperate need to exaggerate trivial things so as not to appear a disappointment to others. So as not to feel a failure as a person. This mindset has been part of me for most of my life and I can trace its origins back to my childhood. It’s only truly lately that I have fully and completely confronted this and I will accept it no more. I know the person I am, I know I am a good person and I know I’m not a failure. I know I am valued by my friends for the real me and the real me is all everyone is getting from this point on. I have so much to give and I will do this without ever looking back or re-living my past. I am throwing this in the bin, closing the lid and making sure the garbage compactor crushes every last aspect of this behaviour so no trace can be found of it. I retain the constant lesson it has taught me and that reminder will spur me on to a brilliant new life.

I’m not a fool and I don’t expect the journey to be easy, it will have its days of doubt but for each day I have doubts I will also have a day where the sun shines and the future will stretch out before me. Very soon the sunny days will outweigh the dark ones and will increase until every day of my life is filled with positivity and the knowledge that my destiny, my future is in my own hands. I’ve wasted so much time and have hurt or upset too many good and decent people. I will be reaching out to friends both current and past on a one to one level over the coming months. This is important to me but most important for me to move on is that I put this down on paper for anyone to read and for me to acknowledge my past and to accept my mistakes. I want no more. The line is being drawn today and I will not look back any longer.

If anyone has questions then do drop me a line and I will respond. I will make no further reference to this in public, and no further outbursts of feelings on social networks. It was important to me to get this off my chest and it’s now done. If anyone else feels similar then I hope this gives you optimism and hope. I know I will get there and you will too.

Thank you for reading.