What led me here?

It's a good question Mark, so what's your answer? What led you here?

To be open I think, this is designed more for myself chiefly, a manner of means to write and log who I am, what I am and where I am. Kind of an affirmation and a way to review where I am on the great journey. I don't intend to reveal any intimate details of my life, or others for that matter. I won't promise to be on this all the time because I know I won’t be, I may surprise myself but I doubt it. By doing this on a published blog I guess it gives me some kind of permanence to anything I record. It doesn't mean I am going to lay my soul bare nor does it mean I will keep my inner thoughts locked away in the mind safe but I will take it as it comes.

Who am I?

I'm a creative person. I've locked that way for a long while now, pretty much deliberately but I am a creative soul. Artistically and trust me on this when I say personally as well. The creativity has leaked into my life in sometimes great ways and at times in deeply personal situations that I am ashamed off. It's the good creativity that I am finding again after what seems an age of burying it away. I'm starting to trust myself again. I've lived a good life, I have been blessed in many ways but the fact is I haven't always connected with those closest to me in the right way. That's nobody’s fault but my own. I've made decisions in my youth which led me on a path that although was not pointless or a waste of time or regretted was on reflection not the choice I should have made. We all do that, every one of us and I'm no different than anyone else.

I'm an outgoing personality. Ok maybe to a degree that's true and those that know me may think I am a confident person and good socially and yes I can be but that's all part of an act, a facet of performance that is put on. I can switch it on effortlessly but does anyone really know me? No. I don't open up and I hate talking about personal issues. The problem with that is it leads to bottling your emotions and I'm very good at that but I've learned that you can't go on doing that. I can count a small handful of people that know me well enough to see through the artifice. I treasure them for that.

Lately I have been reflecting on so much of my life, at times nostalgically hankering for the innocent days of youth when the real world hadn't yet made its imprint on my life and the course had not been set. For friends not seen in decades and the sweet memories of a more simple time but that's all just a golden imprint my mind has created. The real world is now, the real life is now and I am finally and completely starting to live it.

I hurt easily and more times than not I have been the cause of that self hurt and that has had impacts, not physically or mentally, I'm not depressed and I don't self harm!! However my own actions have caused this suffering at times and regretfully that has inadvertently hurt others. I think we all have our demons so I don't want to over dramatise this, we all have things, big or small that we have to deal with. That there are a few, good and worthy people out there whom I respect and like immensely whom I have wronged is a regret. I hope in time I can reach out to them. My nature is such that until recently it would grind at me forever until I made things right. I hope I get that chance but if not then so be it. We all make mistakes in life and I've made my share. Surely we all deserve the opportunity to try again. I think we do.

So who am I?

I'm Mark
I'm a Father
I'm a Friend
I'm a member of the human race (allegedly) ;)

And I'm real.