Spiderman, Spiderman. Does whatever a spider can.....not!

Time to lighten things up methinks, some of you may know this story, some of you wont. It’s all true and is one of those fond memories from innocent days that always make me smile.

Let me take you back to 1978, young seven year old Mark, oh how sweet and painfully shy he was. I wonder what happened to him? Anyway a quiet but happy wee lad was he, a small group of friends at a very good primary school in Dunfermline (Commercial fact fans) and memories of playing happily around the copious school grounds. Add to the mix a father, known to some of you I'm sure who would on occasion take a well earned golfing holiday with his friends to foreign climes. No problem there, he was a publican - work hard, play hard. Dad, being a loving kind of parent, would often return from his travels bearing gifts for Sister Suzie & I. These gifts would vary but were usually top notch. Now Wee Mark, remember him? Well Mark was a bit of a Spiderman Nut at that time in his life. The Live action Movies with Nicholas Hammond were doing the rounds at that time and I was rather obsessed to say the least. Dad returns from this trip bearing what could only be described as manna from heaven for our young would be hero, A SPIDERMAN COSTUME!!!!!



Now dear reader please don’t underestimate the significance of this moment in young Marks life! As he tears open the box to gaze lovingly upon the garment and at that moment knows his life has a purpose and a meaning, bless his little knee high socks our Mark was going to be a Superhero!

Oh the hours I would spend locked in my room practising my action hero poses, spinning imaginary webs from my wrists (I found two steel band digital watches over both costumed wrists looked the biz!!), the days I spent happily whiling away the hours perfecting my techniques for what I was convinced would be my thrilling lifetime career. The day though soon dawned when I realised I had to reveal to the world that Spiderman was real that day had to come soon and I knew where it should happen...

That morning I prepared carefully, I pulled my marvellous costume on and dressed into my school uniform over the top of it. How good it felt, knowing that at the slightest emergency I could quickly be garbed in my foolproof disguise and confidently save the world, or at any rate The School!



It was an average day, can’t remember the specifics of the morning but I do recall being most disappointed that no evil megalomaniac was threatening the world let alone my class. The dinner bell rang out and I'm sure I sat down in the hall to consume my school dinner with my normal gusto. I do know I loved the jam sponge cake deserts with custard.....Mmmmmmm.... Oh sorry! Where was I, oh yes....

After lunch I must have felt some unearthly urge to reveal the hero amongst everyone’s midst, off to the toilets I traipsed knowing in my heart it had to be now. The shirt buttons were ripped Superman stylee and it could only have taken seconds before I was standing in front of the mirror looking at the reflection of the one and only Spiderman staring back at me! Now Marky, Now!

Picture the scene, the heroic music swells as I burst forth from the WC to greet the world (The School) and reveal the majesty of Spiderman to a grateful and adoring public! How I ran, I ran around the school to cheers of delight that could easily be confused with howls of laughter, know I know it wasn’t that. Round the building I ran knowing I must now reveal the ability which had so far neglected me, I must scale the wall of the building!! I will scale the wall of the building!! I'm trying to scale the wall of the building!!! Damn I can't right now so I'll......keep running!?!

How I ran, around the grounds of the school, on the grass and I swear the entire school ran after me! Ok maybe it was more like 60% of the school but trust me it was a lot of Kids, all screaming Spidey or Idiot or Clown or something else that must have been appreciative but the followed me and for that moment, that one moment all was right in Shy Marks world! I had found my true calling. I was a hero! At least I was until some mad teacher clipped my ear and dragged me to the Headmasters office but god it was good!!

Looking back, maybe that's where I went wrong in life, perhaps I should have followed my vocation 'Kick Ass' style... then again perhaps not.

Good innocent harmless fun, we need more of that in life. Keep Smiling. There’s more to come.

Letting go

Coming through one of the strangest and most emotionally charged periods of my life has been both horrifying and strangely fascinating. All of these emotions and feelings and anxieties have surfaced because for quite some time now I have refused to let go of something which although one of the most important things in my life, I had no purpose in holding on to and more to the point due to my own past actions and behaviours I am directly and totally responsible for. Today I have finally called time on this episode of my life with the realisation I have to let go and regain control over my own life. That letting go begins here and now.

I have made some horrendous mistakes in my life, I’m sure we all have but my mistakes I am coming finally coming to terms with. I understand now that though these mistakes have hurt others they have hurt me more than anyone else. My self esteem for so many years has been non – existent. I have locked my real self away and without often realising it I have fallen into a world where I felt a desperate need to exaggerate trivial things so as not to appear a disappointment to others. So as not to feel a failure as a person. This mindset has been part of me for most of my life and I can trace its origins back to my childhood. It’s only truly lately that I have fully and completely confronted this and I will accept it no more. I know the person I am, I know I am a good person and I know I’m not a failure. I know I am valued by my friends for the real me and the real me is all everyone is getting from this point on. I have so much to give and I will do this without ever looking back or re-living my past. I am throwing this in the bin, closing the lid and making sure the garbage compactor crushes every last aspect of this behaviour so no trace can be found of it. I retain the constant lesson it has taught me and that reminder will spur me on to a brilliant new life.

I’m not a fool and I don’t expect the journey to be easy, it will have its days of doubt but for each day I have doubts I will also have a day where the sun shines and the future will stretch out before me. Very soon the sunny days will outweigh the dark ones and will increase until every day of my life is filled with positivity and the knowledge that my destiny, my future is in my own hands. I’ve wasted so much time and have hurt or upset too many good and decent people. I will be reaching out to friends both current and past on a one to one level over the coming months. This is important to me but most important for me to move on is that I put this down on paper for anyone to read and for me to acknowledge my past and to accept my mistakes. I want no more. The line is being drawn today and I will not look back any longer.

If anyone has questions then do drop me a line and I will respond. I will make no further reference to this in public, and no further outbursts of feelings on social networks. It was important to me to get this off my chest and it’s now done. If anyone else feels similar then I hope this gives you optimism and hope. I know I will get there and you will too.

Thank you for reading.